3-D ultrasound!!!

So we went to have the 34 week ultrasound done… complete with 3-D and 4-D.  We are SO incredibly grateful to report that Zoey is perfect!  She is healthy.  Megan is healthy.  Life could not be any better!  She is beautiful.  We knew she would be, but seeing how clear her face is on the picture was MIND BLOWING, Tony and I both cried.  I could never have anticipated how in love I am with this child.  I am so grateful. 

Zoey is ALREADY 6 lbs... SIX POUNDS with SIX weeks to go!!!  HOLY MOLY!

Here are some pics, they are not scanned, they are a pic of a pic, so I apologize, but I couldn’t wait to share them with you!

She is so incredibly beautiful

LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS!!!

33 weeks 3 days

Hi Zoey, Papa again.

You're hearing our voices alot more now, Mommy Megan is wearing the BellyBuds and sending bedtime stories and Vivaldi to you.    We worked hard on that, 'cause we wanted you to feel safe and used to our voices before you arrived.

Daddy insisted we get more clothes for your first growing months.   Suffice it to say, you're going to be styling those first few months.    We'll probably lose a few to spit-up and poopy, but there's ALOT of backup clothes.    We should've tipped that forklift operator....

Daddy and I went to a newborn care class the other night to hone our skills a bit on taking care of you those first few weeks.    The doll baby was very compliant as I diapered and re-diapered it.   I just KNOW you'll be that helpful, and won't wiggle at all.    We got to see what to expect with your diaper changes.     Having peered into a box of newborn and first months diapers, I think we'll save time by using a "diaper gun".    There's guns for drywalling in construction, shirt guns for passing out shirts to attendees at stadiums, why not a diaper gun?    It LOOKS like a weapons magazine when you open a box of diapers, hundreds and hundreds of diapers all in a row.    Otherwise Daddy will get tired changing all of them.    Six a day....Sheesh!!

Your next ultrasound is coming up, and we'll get to see how you're doing, and even a little of what you look like right now.   It's been many many weeks since we last got to see you, but we know you've been swimming around pretty good all along.   Mommy Megan can attest to it.  

There's so many details before you arrive.    I myself have to stop, breathe, and focus that this is all about you.    I looked at Daddy during the newborn class, for a while actually, and saw how READY he is for you.      I could see in his eyes he was dreaming about you, already taking care of you, and planning your days.

I spoke with a friend that you were our little girl.    His comment was between his boys (sons) and his daughter, his daughter had him wrapped around her heart.    He always is ready to "jump in" when she neeeds something.     Being a Former Marine my chest puffs out and stiffens as I tell myself no baby will run me down like that.     My heart says different.      It says "That's our little girl......".

Love,

Papa

32 weeks 5 days!!!

Dear Zoey-

32 weeks 5 days!  Your Papa and I are in a whirlwind of activity trying to make sure that everything is ready for your arrival.  Papa has been working so hard with the crew to make sure that the house is ready and safe.  He loves us both so much and wants us to always be safe and happy.  I cannot wait to see you and him together.  You are already his entire world.  We have decided to keep the apartment for the first month or so after you are born, just to make sure that everything at the house is done. 

I am so excited I sometimes don’t think I am going to survive the next few weeks!  You have been my dream for so long and we are just a few weeks from meeting each other.  Everyday my heart expands more than I thought possible.  I vacillate between intense excitement and overwhelming panic.  I want to be the best daddy I can be for you.  You, my princess, are a blessing and deserve to have the best parents.  I promise you that I am going to be the very best daddy I can be.  I will absolutely make mistakes.  I am going to make you mad, embarrass you, and frustrate you to no end.  And I am going to love you, protect you, comfort you, and be present for you.  Every day.

Megan says that you are super active and are definitely making sure she knows you are in there.  Wait till you meet her!  She has kept you safe and taken such amazing care of you.  She will never know how grateful your Papa and I are to her for making you a possibility for us.  We definitely could not have picked a better person to be your mama.  Thats YOU in there!!!

Thats YOU in there!!!
Megan just pointed out the poster in the background.  How fitting, I love our office!

We went to see the midwife yesterday and everything is going well.  Now we will see her every two weeks instead of monthly.  Your heartbeat is music to my ears, so strong, so alive. 

I love you Zoey.  Keep growing, I will see you soon.

All my love,

Daddy

Love, Papa

Dear Zoey,

There are SO many things happening right now preparing for your arrival.    Papa has help getting the house nursery and rooms ready.  Daddy is packing away his spring ensemble.    Mommy Megan is helping you grow and get stronger every day.   But mostly we dream about you.     We've recorded bedtime stories for you so you can hear them even before you're born.   Daddy read one called "And Tango Makes Three".     It's your story......

We had your 1st baby shower.    So many friends came, so many people excited and happy for your arrival.    The party was SO beautiful, and Daddy completely ran down the battery of the camera taking pictures of it, he was so excited.
That night when we unpacked all your gifts, we imagine how you would look in each outfit, how each gift would become part of your life.

Planning and more planning.    Papa's time off work, Daddy's time off, the apartment time, our time after you're born together.     All I want for you is a full belly and a healthy happy smile.

Daddy has been shopping at the Carter's baby store so much that the clerks hug him when he comes in.   He does have an eye for how to dress us both.    Papa knows Daddy is thinking of everything for your care.

We fuss and worry about this and that, wring our hands sometimes, but we know it's all worth it.    How I can't wait to see your first smile.

Love,
Papa

31 weeks, 4 days… that’s you in there!!

I love the smell of baby registry in the morning....

Tony here...

Yeah, about the title, it’s an “Apocalypse Now” reference….

It’s kinda how I felt going into Babies R Us Wednesday night.    You’re all very familiar with how military Generals have to use electronic barcode scanners to obtain tanks, guns, tents, and warfare materials for Iraq and Afghanistan.  Actually, that’s not how it happens, but maybe we’d have less wars if they had to meticulously inventory what a newborn needs as they do that stuff.   When the girl at the Baby Registry counter set us up with the scanner and set us up to go out into the store, she had on one of those “overworked stewardess” fake smiles.  Like she’d been on a red-eye to Detroit and back overnight.   Maybe she was just coaxing me to run out of the store.   Or maybe that was just me.

Keep in mind I was raised by two redneck Mississippi parents.   My mother didn’t have a “Diaper Genie Mark III Cryogenic Stasis Unit” or a “Pamper’s Cuddler’s Diapers Fast-Autoloader”.    From what I could tell my mother had a couple of sheets, maybe 3 cotton diapers, dangerous baby pins, some rags, etc.   As far as I can tell, I didn’t have a portion of my butt rot off.   So when I’m looking out of the corner my eye at Mike after we’ve scanned the 500 count diapers box the 6th time, I was a bit befuddled.  Seriously. 

Wait… HOW many diapers are we going to need?!?

What do you MEAN we’re not done?!?

  

If I suggested at this point that our baby have anything less than what’s on our inventory list, they’d be dragging the bottom of the river for my body.    But I admit I’m more than a little anxious about these “high tech” devices for our child.    When it came to selecting Zoey’s play center (the bouncy thing she sits in), Mike walks up and is all excited about the most elaborate techno monstrosity.   There isn’t a square inch on this device that doesn’t light up, make noise, or spin.  Frankly, a 747 aircraft revving on the tarmac and throttling up for take-off could sneak by this device with less noise.  And EVERYTHING has a built-in MP3 player.  The diaper stacker DOES NOT need an MP3 player……

I honestly didn’t know there were 10 types of blankets for the baby.  Receiving blankets, Swaddling blankets, baby quilts, shower blankets, oiling blankets, everyday blankets, dress-up blankets, etc.  In one aisle I think we simply scanned everything.  I did not feel like I knew what was going on.

WOH WOH WOH… research… blah blah formula

Strangely, both Mike and I ignored the “Suggested” Babies R Us inventory.  One of the key items we missed was a baby monitor.   As I went to sleep last night I was chuckling to myself about our current lack of a baby monitor.  Would we ever open the package?  Since I am currently at a loss of when Mike will actually put the baby down, let go of her, or let someone take her out of his sight, I view this less as a “forgotten” item.   I jokingly wonder if it’ll EVER be used.  Maybe her first day of KINDERGARTEN.  LOL.  He’s not going to let go of Zoey till at least she’s 25 years old.

At the end of the day, I will move Heaven and Earth for this child.   And I’ve already accepted there is something we forgot, or sometime where I’ll have to make a late hour run for.  Maybe in the snow and ice.  And I’ll do it gladly.



Family Dinners.... with PRINCESSES

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY PAPA BEAR!!!  Yesterday was Tony’s birthday and we had a great birthday dinner with our family, including Megan, her daughter, and husband.  Tony is way more comfortable making people feel special than being celebrated himself, but he deserved all the attention he got and more.  When he was opening his gifts he asked Megan's daughter to help him.  It was the cutest thing you have ever seen.  I know he was doing it partially because all little kids like to open presents, even other people's, and partially because he knew her cuteness would take the spotlight off of him.  I had this moment when I looked at everyone there to celebrate my husband and my heart was beyond full.  They love him so much; the truth is he is very easy to love. 

Tony about to have a panic attack from the attention

Tony using Megan's daughter as a an attention "shield"

One of the best parts about last night was my first baby, my niece Devyn, was there.  I call her my first baby because even though I always knew I wanted kids, it was her birth that sealed the deal.  I was 18 when she was born, younger than she is now.  The very first time I held her there was this instant connection and bond.  When her mother had to go back to work, I took care of her.  I loved every minute of it and I still think of her as my baby. 

Princess Devyn and I then…

Still my pretty pretty princess punkin head

When I was at my worst in my addiction the closest I could get to pulling it together was when she was around, not that I was able to do it very often, but for her I tried.  The circle of life is amazing, and one of the coolest things is that very soon I will get to see my first baby holding Zoey.  I hope that they are as close as Devyn and I were.  She’s a beautiful young lady and smarter than she even knows.  She isn’t completely aware yet of how amazing she is, but my hope for her is that she will soon.  Devyn is also fiery and stubborn, and sometimes she drives me crazy, but I do admire her strength and her convictions.  No one will ever run over her that is for sure.  I am so glad that Zoey will have her as an example to look up to. 



23 weeks

Dear Zoey,

You’re arrival is fast approaching, as evidenced by Mama Megan’s ever expanding (AND ADORABLE) belly.  It seems like everywhere I go lately there are fathers and daughters; maybe I am just clued into them because I know that is going to be us one day very soon.  I am torn because I simultaneously cannot wait for you to be here with us, and feel like I need more time to become the father you deserve.  I promise you that I am going to always do my very best to be worthy of being your daddy.

It also seems like every day I see something new I can’t wait to show you; a kitty, a balloon, how to skip rocks, or make mud pies.  We’re going to have so much fun you and I.  I love you so much and I am thinking of you all the time.  See ya soon Zoey.

23 weeks!

Love,

Daddy

Screw the tiaras! How about Toddlers and Jujutsu?

Tony here.

It's been a few days since the ultrasound, and it's hard to express how much things have changed.

Knowing Zoey is coming brings both intense joy, and immense trepidation.

The joy is the bricks and mortar of our family slowly coming together; all of the players, all of their roles. If you had told me 2 years ago all these amazing people were coming into my life, that Zoey would transit from being a concept, to being a reality; prayers having answers, life taking form. Halloween, Xmas, birthdays, soon to be a reality.

The journey of moments has been indescribable. The moment in the attorney's office when he told me we could be parents. The tests. The attempts. The joy of finding we were pregnant. There's too many to describe here.

The trepidation comes from raising a girl. Number one, how do I keep this little one from running away with my heart, and my wallet? Am I going to be able to enforce "Time-Outs" when this little girl has me wrapped around her finger. The boo-boo face when I know she's full on trying to manipulate me. I've never even thrown a tea party!

Mike and I are both "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fans. Between the two of us, from opposite sides of the spectrum, I think she'll actually be something like Buffy, a Force of Nature, introspective, fierce, vulnerable, and "on point". It's selfish, but without being deliberate, I am already building those "lists". The things I don't want her to do, the things I don't want her to be, to GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE MY SAME MISTAKES. But she'll be intelligent, headstrong, independent, curious, and want to explore the world with wonder. Our influences on this girl will be both interesting and hilarious.

I looked online for the "Papa and Me" Hanbo Jutsu classes. This is a martial-arts style using short staffs to smack people up. A project in progress I guess. Maybe a toddler can benefit from jujutsu and tai jutsu on their first day of school? Zoey's not even born yet and I'm already leading the pimple-cream-smeared-haircut-I-hate-girl-crazy-teenage-freak-boy down the driveway past the elaborate defensive system I left turned off accidently that day.....

I need to stay right in this moment. The right now. I need to feel the almost indiscernible hum of all of us coming together, preparing for this angel to enter our lives. I can set down the Tazer Junior and martial arts brochures for now, and look out on the yard where out little girl will romp, play, and have adventures. I will teach her everything I know and more.....

Dear Zoey (20 weeks)

Dear Zoey,

We found out yesterday that you are a little girl.  Your Grammy, Grandma, Papa, Daddy, big sister, and of course Mama Megan were all crowded into the little room waiting for your picture to come up on the screen.  I looked around at everyone and realized what a lucky little girl you are.  This was just a fraction of the people who were waiting to hear word of how you were doing; just a fraction of people who are waiting for you to be born and to be there for you. 

A girl.

A daughter.

Your papa and I both started crying when the technician said you are definitely a girl.  I think Papa immediately started planning your self defense/karate lessons, while I had visions of bows and pink frilly stuff everywhere.   Whoever you are Zoey is absolutely perfect.  If you want bows, Barbies, baby dolls, and pink you got it!  If you want to play in the dirt and would rather have a fire truck than a doll, that is excellent too!  I am just so grateful and thrilled that you are you.  I will admit that there is something magical that happens when you find out you are going to be a father to a little girl.  This place in my heart and soul, that I didn’t even know existed, kicked into gear.  I promise you that I will always protect you and keep you safe.  Your papa and I will treat you with love and respect, just as I hope your future partner does.  We will model for you how you should be treated by whomever you fall in love with. 

The best news of the day was when the Dr. told us you were perfect.  She said that everything is developing exactly like it is supposed to and you are healthy.  I love hearing that.  You are quite an active little baby, which both thrills and terrifies me.  I see a lot of coffee in our future, and we probably need to get on our cardio as well.

20 more weeks and I will hold you in my arms.  Until then I am holding you in my heart.

I love you,

Daddy.

Zoey’s face shot with her arm hiding her eyes.

Nose,mouth, and chin!

IT'S A.....

We had the 20 week ultrasound today.  Megan, Tony, me, my mom, Megan’s mom, and Megan’s daughter were all crowded into the room and got to all find out together that we are having a perfect little princess.  Tony and I clung to each other, tears streaming down our faces.  There wasn’t a dry in the house.  I looked over at my husband and realized that this amazing man was who God had chosen for me.  I get to raise this beautiful little girl with this man.  It will be him that I watch play barbies, tea party, and dress up with our DAUGHTER.  I will be sitting next to him at soccer games, ballet recitals, karate lessons, and whatever else this little girl wants to try.  A little girl.  WOW!  Thank you God.

The doctor came in and commented on how active this baby is.  At one point, as the baby was all squirmy and jumpy, the doctor looked at Tony and I, smiled and said “You are so screwed”.  Tony asked if that was her professional opinion.  The absolute best part was when she said that everything was “perfect, absolutely normal, text book”.  I think that is when we cried the hardest.  I cannot believe how much I love this little girl.  She is my entire world and already has me eating out of the palm of her tiny little hands. 

Introducing ZOEY SELAH PORTER-HURLEY

Surro...whoops! SUPER moms

I have been thinking a lot about what an amazing thing surrogacy is, and what an amazing person it takes to be a surrogate.  Amazing hardly seems like a strong enough word right?  I mean it is more than just creating parents out of people who are desperate for that honor.  It is more than devoting a year or more to help someone else’s dreams come true.  It is truly about creating families.  Is there anything more loving and incredible than that?  Since we have started this journey I have been reading a ton of different types of blogs about different types of families and how they are created.  I have read gay parenting blogs, adoption blogs, and surrogacy blogs (from the perspective of both SMs and IPs).  And I just had no idea how amazing these women are. The experiences and journeys that lead these women to surrogacy are as varied as the experiences and journeys of the IPs they are working with.  The one thing that is a constant is the generosity of their souls.

Lately I have been getting asked lately how much this process has cost us.  I start explaining about the cost of all of the tests and about the procedure itself and I realize pretty quickly they want to know how much we paid our surrogate.  This question pisses me off.  First of all I don’t see how this is of any relevance.  From what I have read from other surrogacy blogs money is absolutely NOT the reason, and if money were the primary motivating factor the amount wouldn’t be worth it.  The state we live in prohibits compensation for surrogacy, and only recognizes and allows “compassionate surrogacy” (as if ALL surrogacy isn’t chock full of compassion).  It’s funny how we as Americans take everything down to dollars and cents.

I am incredibly lucky.  I am able to watch Megan grow every day.  I get to see her, touch her belly, and watch as her hair and skin get more radiant every day.  I know a lot of IPs don’t have this luxury.  I am reminded each day as she passes me to go to the bathroom (again) of the amazing spirit she has inside of her.  To be doing something so huge for us… well as you already know overwhelms me with love.  And as an added bonus this binds us forever and ever, which means she can never escape me.  AND I didn’t have to keep her chained up in our basement!!  I am of course kidding.

To all of the surro moms out there, whether through traditional or gestational surrogacy, you are all angels.  Thank you so much for your incredible love and strength!

I mean really... have you EVER seen a cuter pregnant belly?!?

Out of the gutter...

I debated about posting about this, because this blog really isn’t about my recovery from drugs and alcohol, but then I realized that it’s my blog and I can post about whatever I want.  Today is my 6 year AA/NA “birthday”.  This anniversary is always a really emotional time for me under normal circumstances, but this one is especially so because of everything that has happened this year.  I am pretty much filled with gratitude for having survived my addiction, repairing my relationship with my family, regaining my soul, and getting my life together on a daily basis.  This year what I am the most grateful to my recovery for is not having to take my children hostage in my addiction.  That is absolutely not a judgmental statement for those addicts who did have to.  It is just a statement of gratitude.  This baby and any other children that come into our family never have to see daddy loaded, or suffer the lack of my presence because of drugs.  I have heard stories from recovering addicts who are not so lucky.  They have to live with the fallout from those fractured and decimated relationships with their children.  I cannot even imagine. 

I have been doing A LOT of reflecting and it seems to me that everything in the past 6 years has been to prepare me for this.  In learning how to live without drugs and alcohol, and to change my irrational belief systems, and behaviors, I have been prepared to be a better son, friend, brother, cousin, nephew, and finally partner.  And now I get to be someone’s dad.  Wow… that just blows my mind.  That God, Allah, Mother Nature, the Universe, Janet Jackson, whoever is your higher power, trusts me with this little soul.  The fact that something about me was worth saving, and now something about me is WORTHY of being someone’s dad… it’s mind blowing and humbling to say the least.

I know the last two posts have been pretty heavy.  Thanks for sticking in there.  

19 weeks and BEYOND Gorgeous!

SMOOCHES,

Mike

Mama's boy

Mike here (I just love when Tony starts his blogs that way, I just picture him talking in his "man" voice).

We had dinner with my mom and dad last night.  It is funny how much I enjoy the time we spend with them, now that I am not 16.  This amazing awareness hit me last night though about my parents, especially my mom.  After dinner we watched a documentary about gay fathers.  There was this scene where one of the dads’ mom is telling the camera about how when he came out she had to let go of some of her own ideas and longings regarding how she thought her son’s life would turn out.  She mentioned that she had to mourn the idea of seeing her son as a parent.  She is holding her new grandson as she is relaying this story.  I looked over at my mom, who had her head on my dad’s chest and she was weeping into his shirt.  I realized in that moment how huge this is for her.  That when I came out she had to mourn the loss, or at least the possible loss, of dreams that she had for me since I was born.  Never one time when I was struggling through that process did I even think about what it must have been like for her.  And then a little later, as I began my descent into the hell of drug addiction she must have thought she had buried those longings and dreams of seeing me as a father, of watching me parent my own children, of fighting with me about “Back in my day we….”.   I realized that as much as this baby means to me and Tony, he or she means close to as much to my parents.  Megan’s gift has a greater impact than I think she even can know.  And I just don’t have the ability to explain to her or thank her for this… thank that seems like such an inadequate word.

I think that I am starting to gain a better understanding of the impossible love that parents have for their children, and that is allowing me to see my mom and dad differently.  I have also been thinking about what this child will have to face.  In the movie it was also stated that “every kid has something”.  I just hope that Tony and I are able to give this kid the love and support they will need to get through it (whatever “it” is); like my mom did for me when I was growing up the bastard child of a single mom deep in Butthole Louisiana.  Actually I know Tony will.  He has this never ending reserve of strength and love.  You know, I think this kid will be alright.

Me and my mommy, like thirty twenty five years ago.

6 Degrees of Separation on Middle Ground~ Tony's Post

Tony here.   Being a 44 year old gay man it’s been a massive change to prepare for the arrival of our precious one.   The change inside my own head has been enough, but the world around us is changing too.   New York becoming another state for Gay Marriage.    I never thought of it happening anywhere in my lifetime, so maybe baby will have two parents who are married, not a “Marriage Light” solution.   Now if the IRS would get in line….

Hey, By The Way…… This timer clock thingy that Mike has put on the blog is wrong slightly.   I’ll be asking Megan to hold on another couple of weeks so I can get another coat of paint on something.   I’m thinking February instead of after Thanksgiving for the baby.   I’m so glad she’s understanding and flexible about this whole “childbirth thing”.

Back to the changes inside my head.   I think the transition there is the most significant.    For many many years I’ve been a Party Dog.   Seriously.    Yeah, had to quit that.    Amsterdam for a circuit party, Sydney Australia for Gay Marti Gras, New York for…., well, let’s not discuss New York in my party days.   It’s long, and I don’t come out well in the story.

Suffice it to say, I’m not sure what this all looks like to Average Joe Citizen.     Let’s begin the hyphenated portion of my descriptor.    Gay-Former-Marine-Public-Safety-Employee-Clean-And-Sober-Soon-To-Be-Papa.    If we were in Mississippi or Alabama I think they’d just put us in jail.   Are people happy in those states?  Can we just pave it over with asphalt and build a really good theme park?  Six Flags anyone???

Papa.    You know that first 10 seconds after you wake up from that really really cool dream, then you realize it wasn’t real?    I still feel that when I say, “Papa”.   But it’s real.

The “6 degrees of Separation on Middle Ground” is the part where I still don’t know where we’ll land in all of this socially.    We know MANY straight people who don’t care we’re gay, and are excited for our baby.   We know MANY of our gay friends that are going to be “fists and elbows” to hold our little tyke.   AND we have our gay friends that convey, although without words, that we should have gotten the dog and Louis Vuitton luggage instead.   And I continue to have problems dealing with that part.   Having a baby is NOT for everyone.   But from the first time Mike and I talked about it, I knew it was right.   It was a defining moment.    I have no doubts.

But I realize that people come and go into and out of our lives.    And starting a family ushers in this transition.   As a gay man I never knew I’d have to deal with Pampers and baby spew, instead of fabulous cocktails and sumptuous dinners at the newest restaurant.    Or vacations in Key West.   Sigh.

Sometimes I get a little sad, but I know if one door closes, another one opens…….

~Tony

3 day weekend followed by a short week... SCORE!

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend!!  Tony and I went to a pool party yesterday, which was fun in itself, but the true star for both of us was the 20 month old ADORABLE little girl named Emma.  She was wearing the cutest little polka dot sun dress and was all smiles.  This little girl’s eyes completely disappeared when she smiled.  It was as if her smile ate them.  Tony and I of course zeroed in on her.  I think we were both clocking her development and lost in our own individual thoughts about what this holiday will look like for us next year.  

Several months ago I posted that not all of our friends were on board with the idea of us having a baby, and I feel badly because the truth is that is a very very small percentage of our friends.  The other day I was babysitting a family friend’s 11 month old son and took him to a picnic with me.  It was amazing to watch all of our friends rush over to see the baby and interact with the baby.  All the while they would say “We can’t wait till our baby comes”.  “Our baby”.  I love that.  And the reality is that we are SURROUNDED by people who can’t wait to love our child as if he or she was their own.  What an incredible blessing to be able to give this child, a bunch of guncles of their very own to love and spoil them.

I did not see Megan for 3 whole days and over that time she popped.  She says that she is feeling the baby move more frequently and she looks… AMAZING.  I am starting to see what people mean when they say that the 10 months of pregnancy actually flies by.  We are getting close to the half way mark and it seems like not too long ago we were still going through tests and legal hurdles. 

I am in awe of the female body.  The fact that a person is conceived, nourished, grown, and protected all inside of the mother is like magic to me.  As I watch our child growing inside of Megan, and I think about what an amazing process this is, I get even more frustrated by the increasing prevalence of misogyny and disrespect I see heaped on women in this country and all over the world.  I truly believe that women are actually the stronger gender.  When you consider all of the oppression and victimization that is heaped on their shoulders… okay I will step down from my soap box. 

Here is the 18 week belly shot…

HOLY CRAP!

We're having a BABY!!!!!  Hee Hee Hee!

17 weeks

Dear Baby,

You are 17 weeks along today.  A big part of me wishes that I could fast forward the next 23 weeks and have you in our arms.  By the time you are old enough to read this, you will already know that your daddy is head over heels in love with you.  I will have already resisted (hopefully) the urge to punt some kid who has pushed you off the swings at the play ground across the field.  I will have kissed countless boo boos, and bandaged knees.  You will have puked, peed, bleed, and vomited on me, and I will love you all the more for it.

You will also know that your Papa has impossibly large shoulders that are perfect to cry on, and he gives the very best hugs ever.  Papa is super busy getting our house ready for you.  He is working so hard.  He loves us so much, and we are super lucky to have someone like him in our corner.

We talk about you all the time.  At times it seems impossible that our biggest dream is coming true, and that soon you will be in our arms.  You are not even here yet and already you have become our most important priority, and you will remain so for the rest of your life.

We heard your heartbeat at your 16 week check up last week, we recorded it and we listen to it all the time.  It is absolutely the most amazing sound I have ever heard.

I know that you are in the safest environment possible, and that Mama Megan is working so hard to make sure that you are safe and healthy.  She has to be the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen.  I am so blessed that I get to watch you grow inside of her belly every day.

Papa and I took a picnic at the park this weekend and watched the little ones play.  Soon baby, soon we will be watching you play at that park.  You are loved more than I have the ability to express.  Stay safe and grow. 

I love you,

Daddy.

17 week Belly shot

Father's Day... a little late

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL THE AMAZING DADDIES, PAPAS, ETC OUT THERE!!!  I HOPE YOU ALL HAD AN AMAZING DAY!

What an amazing feeling to wake up Sunday morning to text messages and voice mails full of Father’s day wishes for Tony and I.  We have already written about how this is something that we have always dreamt of, wished for, and never thought was possible for us.  Even though we are technically only “fathers to be”, I got up early and made Tony breakfast.  When he came off shift we had breakfast and laughed and joked about what this day would be like for us in the future.

It also made me start thinking about my own child and growing up without a father.  I remember that they used to have these “Daddy Days” at school, where all the dads would come and have lunch with their kids.  I remember the first one I ever had to endure was when I was in first grade.  I was a MESS about it for weeks prior to the event.  I never said anything to anyone about how scared I was to be the only kid there without a father.  I remember that day clearly as the dads were filing into the room and I could hear all the excited chatter of my classmates.  I just stared at my desk praying to turn invisible and trying so hard not to cry.  Then I felt this hand on my head ruffling my hair.  I looked up to my uncle smiling down at me.  He was already my idol, but that day he became my hero.  He showed up to every school play, baseball game, every milestone.  He was always there for me no matter what, and I loved him deeply.  He died almost three years ago and I miss him every day.

My uncle Randy and I, he was the first to hold me, and he never let go.

My dad is not my biological father.  He and my mother fell in love when I was 16.  He and I butted heads as only two males trying to assert their dominance can.  I was not at all pleased at being replaced as the man of the house.  He and I disagree about almost everything and sometimes he drives me completely crazy, as I am sure I do him as well.  However, he always shows up.  When I have a flat tire at 2 a.m. in a rain storm, he is there to change it for me.  Almost 6 years ago, when I finally decided to get clean and sober, I had a really rough detox.  My dad is the one who sat with me.  Every day.  He watched over me as I fought to get rid of the toxins in my body.  He stood outside of the bathroom door as I threw up, and then handed me a glass of water and helped me back to bed.  He teared up and clapped his hands as I graduated, first from rehab, and later from college.  It is his face I see in my mind’s eye lighting up the first time this baby says “Grampa”.

I found my biological father a couple years ago and finally got the answers to questions I have had for my entire life.  He is a very nice man, but what I realized in meeting him is that the one thing I had been looking for I already had.  My dad.  The man who loves Ronald Reagan, the Republican Party, and who drives me crazy is also ½ of my biggest support team.  My parents.  I love him and he loves me; even though you would never be able to tell if you were in the same room with us.  We tease each other mercilessly, but it is all out of love.

 My dad and I at my college graduation party.

When our child is hurt, or sad, or mad, or glad I will draw upon the memories of these two men, my uncle and my dad, and know exactly how a father should handle the situation.  I will be the best father I possibly can because of them.  And for that I am so beyond grateful.

Happy Father’s Day I love you both.



15 weeks 3 days

There hasn’t been a whole lot to report lately, but I have been reading everyone else’s blogs daily… like a crack head trying to get his next hit.  The fertility clinic that made our baby spoiled us!  So for the first trimester Megan was seen by the doctors there, just to make sure everything was going well.  We were in that office every week it seemed, and we were able to see the little munchkin growing and developing…. NOW NOTHING!  And we have to wait FIVE more weeks for the next one!  The good news is that Megan has started to show and we get to see her get bigg cuter every day!  And she really is the cutest thing I have ever seen.  Here are some pics!

13 weeks!

15 weeks

It is the most AMAZING and beautiful thing!  

14 weeks 4 days!

Our little baby bump is starting to really pop!  Megan is GORGEOUS and can already feel the little movements.  I cannot WAIT till I can feel the kicks for myself. 

I wanted to send out a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS to Jeff and Kevin DC on their very exciting news and positive BETA test!!!!

Have a great weekend everyone and stay safe!