22 weeks... holy crap!

So we didn’t see Mama Megan for like 5 days… APPARENTLY Zoey quadrupled in size.  Megan is carrying the pregnancy extremely well and she looks AMAZING.  Seeing the bump grow so much in just a few short days was a shock… in an absolutely GREAT way.  Tony and I are so lucky to have someone so incredible to carry the most precious thing in our world. 

Zoey is also incredibly active and Megan says she is just swimming around all over the place.  I love that, it means she is happy and healthy.  I just hope in later months Megan is able to be as comfortable as possible. 

 22 weeks, ADORABLE!

What's funny is that when we had the ultrasound at 20 weeks another 20 weeks seemed like it would take forever.  Now that we are only 18 weeks out I feel like time is running out on us.  It just seems like we have SOOO much to do and not enough time to do it.  That's normal though right? 

In other news, I woke up from a disturbing dream last night.  Tony and I were in a Toddlers and Tiaras type battle with the dads from "Modern Family" and their daughter.  I woke up screaming.  That baby beauty pageant show works my last nerve!  And then I had another dream that when she was born Zoey was actually a BALLOON!  LOL, am I going crazy?



Screw the tiaras! How about Toddlers and Jujutsu?

Tony here.

It's been a few days since the ultrasound, and it's hard to express how much things have changed.

Knowing Zoey is coming brings both intense joy, and immense trepidation.

The joy is the bricks and mortar of our family slowly coming together; all of the players, all of their roles. If you had told me 2 years ago all these amazing people were coming into my life, that Zoey would transit from being a concept, to being a reality; prayers having answers, life taking form. Halloween, Xmas, birthdays, soon to be a reality.

The journey of moments has been indescribable. The moment in the attorney's office when he told me we could be parents. The tests. The attempts. The joy of finding we were pregnant. There's too many to describe here.

The trepidation comes from raising a girl. Number one, how do I keep this little one from running away with my heart, and my wallet? Am I going to be able to enforce "Time-Outs" when this little girl has me wrapped around her finger. The boo-boo face when I know she's full on trying to manipulate me. I've never even thrown a tea party!

Mike and I are both "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fans. Between the two of us, from opposite sides of the spectrum, I think she'll actually be something like Buffy, a Force of Nature, introspective, fierce, vulnerable, and "on point". It's selfish, but without being deliberate, I am already building those "lists". The things I don't want her to do, the things I don't want her to be, to GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE MY SAME MISTAKES. But she'll be intelligent, headstrong, independent, curious, and want to explore the world with wonder. Our influences on this girl will be both interesting and hilarious.

I looked online for the "Papa and Me" Hanbo Jutsu classes. This is a martial-arts style using short staffs to smack people up. A project in progress I guess. Maybe a toddler can benefit from jujutsu and tai jutsu on their first day of school? Zoey's not even born yet and I'm already leading the pimple-cream-smeared-haircut-I-hate-girl-crazy-teenage-freak-boy down the driveway past the elaborate defensive system I left turned off accidently that day.....

I need to stay right in this moment. The right now. I need to feel the almost indiscernible hum of all of us coming together, preparing for this angel to enter our lives. I can set down the Tazer Junior and martial arts brochures for now, and look out on the yard where out little girl will romp, play, and have adventures. I will teach her everything I know and more.....

19 weeks 4 days (Dear Baby)

Dear Baby,

You are almost 20 weeks along… halfway there.  You have been a dream in your Papa’s and my heart for so long and soon you will be here with us.  I cannot wait.  We are working hard on getting everything ready for you.  We all got very spoiled at the beginning of this pregnancy.  An ultrasound was done every week or two and we got to see you grow and change through the first trimester.  It has been almost 9 weeks since we have been able to see you.  Next week we will be going in for the 20 week scan and I can barely stand it.  It is like the week before Christmas and I am waiting for Santa to come.   Every single day the love I feel for you multiplies.  Sometimes I feel like my heart will surely explode from the sheer magnitude of love I have for you.  Everything that I have ever done, or experienced has been for this moment; to teach me how to be the best daddy I possibly can for you.  I promise you that although I will absolutely make mistakes, I will always always love you and take care of you.  Whoever you become, I will think of you as the best thing about me, and my biggest accomplishment. 

We went to your check up yesterday.  As we were trying to hear your heartbeat you kept moving.  We could tell because of the blips we heard on the Fethoscope as you moved away.  Amy, the midwife who is taking care of you and Mama Megan, laughed at how active you are.  This came as no surprise to us, at your 11 week ultrasound you were jumping and dancing, it appeared as if you were using your umbilical cord as a bungee.  I think this may be indicative of what is in store for us after you are born.  She also said you “couldn’t be healthier”.  Couldn't be healthier...music to my ears.  It was absolutely the best thing she possibly could have said.  Your papa cries every time he hears you, and often when he thinks about you.  It is so amazing to me to see such a big strong man turn into putty in your tiny little hands.  Tiny little hands that have yet to born.

We think about you every day, most of my days are filled with thoughts of you.  Even when I am doing something else you are in the back of my mind.  Papa and I were cuddled up on the couch last night and we both realized that soon you will be here sitting in between us.  Amazing.

Continue to grow and get big. 

I love you little baby,

Daddy

Surro...whoops! SUPER moms

I have been thinking a lot about what an amazing thing surrogacy is, and what an amazing person it takes to be a surrogate.  Amazing hardly seems like a strong enough word right?  I mean it is more than just creating parents out of people who are desperate for that honor.  It is more than devoting a year or more to help someone else’s dreams come true.  It is truly about creating families.  Is there anything more loving and incredible than that?  Since we have started this journey I have been reading a ton of different types of blogs about different types of families and how they are created.  I have read gay parenting blogs, adoption blogs, and surrogacy blogs (from the perspective of both SMs and IPs).  And I just had no idea how amazing these women are. The experiences and journeys that lead these women to surrogacy are as varied as the experiences and journeys of the IPs they are working with.  The one thing that is a constant is the generosity of their souls.

Lately I have been getting asked lately how much this process has cost us.  I start explaining about the cost of all of the tests and about the procedure itself and I realize pretty quickly they want to know how much we paid our surrogate.  This question pisses me off.  First of all I don’t see how this is of any relevance.  From what I have read from other surrogacy blogs money is absolutely NOT the reason, and if money were the primary motivating factor the amount wouldn’t be worth it.  The state we live in prohibits compensation for surrogacy, and only recognizes and allows “compassionate surrogacy” (as if ALL surrogacy isn’t chock full of compassion).  It’s funny how we as Americans take everything down to dollars and cents.

I am incredibly lucky.  I am able to watch Megan grow every day.  I get to see her, touch her belly, and watch as her hair and skin get more radiant every day.  I know a lot of IPs don’t have this luxury.  I am reminded each day as she passes me to go to the bathroom (again) of the amazing spirit she has inside of her.  To be doing something so huge for us… well as you already know overwhelms me with love.  And as an added bonus this binds us forever and ever, which means she can never escape me.  AND I didn’t have to keep her chained up in our basement!!  I am of course kidding.

To all of the surro moms out there, whether through traditional or gestational surrogacy, you are all angels.  Thank you so much for your incredible love and strength!

I mean really... have you EVER seen a cuter pregnant belly?!?

Out of the gutter...

I debated about posting about this, because this blog really isn’t about my recovery from drugs and alcohol, but then I realized that it’s my blog and I can post about whatever I want.  Today is my 6 year AA/NA “birthday”.  This anniversary is always a really emotional time for me under normal circumstances, but this one is especially so because of everything that has happened this year.  I am pretty much filled with gratitude for having survived my addiction, repairing my relationship with my family, regaining my soul, and getting my life together on a daily basis.  This year what I am the most grateful to my recovery for is not having to take my children hostage in my addiction.  That is absolutely not a judgmental statement for those addicts who did have to.  It is just a statement of gratitude.  This baby and any other children that come into our family never have to see daddy loaded, or suffer the lack of my presence because of drugs.  I have heard stories from recovering addicts who are not so lucky.  They have to live with the fallout from those fractured and decimated relationships with their children.  I cannot even imagine. 

I have been doing A LOT of reflecting and it seems to me that everything in the past 6 years has been to prepare me for this.  In learning how to live without drugs and alcohol, and to change my irrational belief systems, and behaviors, I have been prepared to be a better son, friend, brother, cousin, nephew, and finally partner.  And now I get to be someone’s dad.  Wow… that just blows my mind.  That God, Allah, Mother Nature, the Universe, Janet Jackson, whoever is your higher power, trusts me with this little soul.  The fact that something about me was worth saving, and now something about me is WORTHY of being someone’s dad… it’s mind blowing and humbling to say the least.

I know the last two posts have been pretty heavy.  Thanks for sticking in there.  

19 weeks and BEYOND Gorgeous!

SMOOCHES,

Mike

6 Degrees of Separation on Middle Ground~ Tony's Post

Tony here.   Being a 44 year old gay man it’s been a massive change to prepare for the arrival of our precious one.   The change inside my own head has been enough, but the world around us is changing too.   New York becoming another state for Gay Marriage.    I never thought of it happening anywhere in my lifetime, so maybe baby will have two parents who are married, not a “Marriage Light” solution.   Now if the IRS would get in line….

Hey, By The Way…… This timer clock thingy that Mike has put on the blog is wrong slightly.   I’ll be asking Megan to hold on another couple of weeks so I can get another coat of paint on something.   I’m thinking February instead of after Thanksgiving for the baby.   I’m so glad she’s understanding and flexible about this whole “childbirth thing”.

Back to the changes inside my head.   I think the transition there is the most significant.    For many many years I’ve been a Party Dog.   Seriously.    Yeah, had to quit that.    Amsterdam for a circuit party, Sydney Australia for Gay Marti Gras, New York for…., well, let’s not discuss New York in my party days.   It’s long, and I don’t come out well in the story.

Suffice it to say, I’m not sure what this all looks like to Average Joe Citizen.     Let’s begin the hyphenated portion of my descriptor.    Gay-Former-Marine-Public-Safety-Employee-Clean-And-Sober-Soon-To-Be-Papa.    If we were in Mississippi or Alabama I think they’d just put us in jail.   Are people happy in those states?  Can we just pave it over with asphalt and build a really good theme park?  Six Flags anyone???

Papa.    You know that first 10 seconds after you wake up from that really really cool dream, then you realize it wasn’t real?    I still feel that when I say, “Papa”.   But it’s real.

The “6 degrees of Separation on Middle Ground” is the part where I still don’t know where we’ll land in all of this socially.    We know MANY straight people who don’t care we’re gay, and are excited for our baby.   We know MANY of our gay friends that are going to be “fists and elbows” to hold our little tyke.   AND we have our gay friends that convey, although without words, that we should have gotten the dog and Louis Vuitton luggage instead.   And I continue to have problems dealing with that part.   Having a baby is NOT for everyone.   But from the first time Mike and I talked about it, I knew it was right.   It was a defining moment.    I have no doubts.

But I realize that people come and go into and out of our lives.    And starting a family ushers in this transition.   As a gay man I never knew I’d have to deal with Pampers and baby spew, instead of fabulous cocktails and sumptuous dinners at the newest restaurant.    Or vacations in Key West.   Sigh.

Sometimes I get a little sad, but I know if one door closes, another one opens…….

~Tony

911 on my speed dial

I have a confession to make.  I am OBSESSED with that television show “19 Kids and Counting”… I know I know.  Poor Tony whenever he catches me watching or I tell him about something I saw on the show, his eyes widen and he starts kind of bouncing from foot to foot and he reminds me that children are expensive and making them is REALLY expensive. 

I am not 100% sure what it is about this show exactly.  I think it has something to do with appreciating some of their advice on raising kids.  I am not so keen on the reading the bible to the children all the time.  Don’t get me wrong, we will read cute little fictional stories to this baby, just not THOSE fictional stories.  Also, I am fascinated by the mom.  You just know she is either HIGHLY medicated, or is taking a few nips out of the flask she has hidden in “mommy’s special bible” when the cameras aren’t rolling.  I am just waiting for the episode where she is getting after one of her children in that little sing song voice of hers and just SNAPS and screams “Josh…Josi…Jack…WHATEVER THE HELL YOUR NAME IS GET OUT OF THAT @#%*&%$ TREE NOW!!!!”  

Today I was slightly late for work because the Duggers had me held captive and I just could not stop watching them and get moving.  As I sat trapped by their dark magic I learned something about myself.  One of the little girls on the show had fallen down and messed up her precious little face and needed stitches.  As I was watching the parents calmly take her to the Dr. and watch as the Dr. jabbed a giant needle into her little baby face and then sew her up, it occurred to me that I am in TROUBLE!  One day our little one will fall and break, slice, scratch, tear something on their little baby body.  On the show Michelle was saying that if the parents stay calm the kid will freak out less… RUH ROH!  I can just see it now I will be screaming at the top of my lungs “HELP!!  HELP!!  SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!  I NEED A SURGEON/PARAMEDIC IMMEDIATELY!!!  THE BABY IS BLEEDING!” 

Thankfully Tony’s job requires frequent exposure to blood and guts, and he is trained in handling emergency situations.  I am a little more prone to taking the “Lets freak out because the sky is falling” approach to emergencies. 

Any suggestions for those of you that have lived through this trauma? 

17 weeks

Dear Baby,

You are 17 weeks along today.  A big part of me wishes that I could fast forward the next 23 weeks and have you in our arms.  By the time you are old enough to read this, you will already know that your daddy is head over heels in love with you.  I will have already resisted (hopefully) the urge to punt some kid who has pushed you off the swings at the play ground across the field.  I will have kissed countless boo boos, and bandaged knees.  You will have puked, peed, bleed, and vomited on me, and I will love you all the more for it.

You will also know that your Papa has impossibly large shoulders that are perfect to cry on, and he gives the very best hugs ever.  Papa is super busy getting our house ready for you.  He is working so hard.  He loves us so much, and we are super lucky to have someone like him in our corner.

We talk about you all the time.  At times it seems impossible that our biggest dream is coming true, and that soon you will be in our arms.  You are not even here yet and already you have become our most important priority, and you will remain so for the rest of your life.

We heard your heartbeat at your 16 week check up last week, we recorded it and we listen to it all the time.  It is absolutely the most amazing sound I have ever heard.

I know that you are in the safest environment possible, and that Mama Megan is working so hard to make sure that you are safe and healthy.  She has to be the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen.  I am so blessed that I get to watch you grow inside of her belly every day.

Papa and I took a picnic at the park this weekend and watched the little ones play.  Soon baby, soon we will be watching you play at that park.  You are loved more than I have the ability to express.  Stay safe and grow. 

I love you,

Daddy.

17 week Belly shot

15 weeks 3 days

There hasn’t been a whole lot to report lately, but I have been reading everyone else’s blogs daily… like a crack head trying to get his next hit.  The fertility clinic that made our baby spoiled us!  So for the first trimester Megan was seen by the doctors there, just to make sure everything was going well.  We were in that office every week it seemed, and we were able to see the little munchkin growing and developing…. NOW NOTHING!  And we have to wait FIVE more weeks for the next one!  The good news is that Megan has started to show and we get to see her get bigg cuter every day!  And she really is the cutest thing I have ever seen.  Here are some pics!

13 weeks!

15 weeks

It is the most AMAZING and beautiful thing!  

Oh for the love of Janet Jackson!

Apparently we gays are a VERY powerful people.  We are responsible for floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, birds falling out of the sky, the war, and now the rapture! 

Can someone tell me why for the love of penis I am wasting my powers on all that instead of on making $500,000 per year?!?

And will everyone that is off to heaven, PLEASE leave your carkeys, house keys, and jewelry in plain sight?  I hate having to dig for that stuff.