Reflections...

UGH!  I know what the statistics are and I know that our chances of conceiving on the first attempt with IUI are slim, but I just have this feeling that we will get pregnant next wek.  Two and a half days to go.  In two and a half days our lives are going to completely and totally change.  I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa to come!!  This week I was super excited and completely unsure all at the same time.  Not unsure about having a baby, or raising a family with Tony, but about the responsibility of the entire journey.  I haven’t exactly lived the most selfless life.  My mom constantly went without the things she probably needed so that I could have things I wanted.  Am I capable of those same kinds of sacrifices?  Granted we are not in the same financial situation as my mother was when I was young, but if push comes to shove do I have it in me to put my child’s needs ahead of my own?  I really needed to take some time and really think about the answer to those questions.  The answer I came to was absolutely.  When this baby(ies) comes into our lives it will be all about him/her/them.  Even though it was a weird head space to be in I am glad I am able to take the time to question my motives and answer some hard questions. 

I have also been thinking a lot about Megan.  This gift she is giving us is so beyond huge.  She is one of my very best friends so I am fully aware of the extent of her love and generosity, but still what a huge undertaking to go through for someone else.  I mean not only is she helping two people to realize their dream of parenthood, but she is investing a lot into making sure it happens.  I find myself in awe of her.  I wonder if I measure up in regards to our friendship.  I could not imagine creating a life with anyone else (except Tony, but science hasn’t caught up to that yet).  I have watched other friends grow big with child, I have been a witness to the amazing external changes that a woman’s body makes as she grows a life inside of her, but this will be completely different knowing that the child that pushes against her belly will belong to Tony and I.  The flutters and movements I will feel through her belly will belong to a baby that his half me and half Megan.  Tony and I will be rejoice in, worry about, and be responsible for the emotional, physical, and spiritual growth of this perfect little being after they are born.  WOW!  That thought blows me away. 

So basically right now as the hours count down and we get closer to the big day I am just full of reflection and examination.  Am I ready for this?  Probably not, but I FEEL ready and I think that is enough.  The reality of parenthood I’m sure looks very different than we can picture.  But the fact that both of us are committed to making ourselves ready comforts me.  So here’s to a very good Valentine’s day indeed!