Friday, September 9, 2011

Princess Boot Camp.

Megan asked me if Tony and I could possibly help with getting Princess S to school while she is on vacation.  My answer was of course an emphatic yes!  I mean she is, after all, my most favorite 4 almost 5 year old.  This kid is pretty darn amazing and cute as a bug’s ear.   Where does that saying come from anyway?  Are bug’s ears that cute?  I mean the rest of them aren’t very cute.  I digress.  I was super excited and just a little nervous.  I have heard horror stories from parents about the battle to get children up and ready for school.  Megan herself has come in more than once with a harried look on her face, fruit loops stuck in her hair, and with war stories of battling to get S to school on time.  Okay Okay, I made up the fruit loop part. 

So I arrive to Megan’s house this morning and listen intently to the instructions her husband gives me.  I resist the urge to pull out a sheet of paper and pen, or to turn on the voice recorder on my phone just to be sure I get it all down.  When it is time to wake S up I am prepared for a cranky princess, some challenges, maybe even some confusion as to why I am there instead of her daddy.  But oh no!  S pops her head up gives me a huge smile and says “HI TONY!” (My name is Mike btw) and rushes over for a big hug.  Phew!  Other than the understandable name confusion we are off to a good start.  She then bounces into the bathroom and tells me that she is going to do her business and brush her hair.  I ask her if she would like a bowl of cereal.  “Yes please Tony!” (Again with the Tony!  Seriously? He's not THAT great).  I pour her cereal and she comes out with her hair brushed, dress and shoes on, and smiling.  She gives me a hearty "Thank you" and starts eating.  That’s when it hits me!  IT HAS ALL BEEN A LIE!  All of these years of parents rushing into work late, hair disheveled, and tales of fighting with children to get them up and ready for school were all Lies, Tales born out of some pitiful need for sympathy and attention!!  CONSPIRACY!  S finishes the majority of her cereal and asks very sweetly “Can I please be done?”  Sure I answer.  I am now very confident in my ability to get this sweet adorable little girl off to school.  Then it happens…

S asks me “May I watch my Barbie movie for awhile”.  We have time so I say yes, how hard can that be?  As it turns out VERY hard.  I could not figure out how to work the Barbie movie.  And that’s when everything changed.  I could feel her impatience and frustration growing as I frantically tried to figure it out.  And as I turned to let her know we will have to settle for Nickelodeon or something I can see the shift in her eyes.  She has lost all confidence in my ability to deliver quality care to her.  “You should call my dad”.  Call her Dad?  For the TV?  I foolishly decide not to bother him at work and say let’s just watch this.  She reluctantly agreea, but I can tell that she is not pleased.  She keeps looking at me out of the corner of her eye as if she wonders if I am capable of tying my own shoes, or if Tony has to do it for me.  As we are getting ready to leave she asks “You do know how to put my seat in right?”  Yep, all faith gone.  I assure her I do and we are off. 

We seem to have moved past the whole “Barbie incident” and are chit chatting about things like who would win in a fight if Jasmin, Ariel, and Cinderella all showed up at the same event in similar gowns, and whether or not Rupunzel’s hair is real or weave, you know kid stuff.  As we are driving I am WAY more aware of my driving, and the other drivers.  I usually don’t pay much attention to the little things like Speed limits or stop signs, but today I am acutely aware of the precious cargo I am carrying. 

As we arrive to her school, I gather up all of her stuff, back pack, lunch box, suitcase, laptop, cell phone, fax machine… I mean really how much stuff does one kid need for Kindergarten?  We walk up to the gate and it’s locked!  UM… when did they start locking up school yards?  HOLY CRAP! I think in my head, what do I do now?!?  I just stare at the lock for a minute, thinking it will magically pop open, and then I hear it, a slight little sigh come from the princess.  As I look over at her she says “I told you to park on the other street”.  Okay, I can handle this.  Well let’s just walk around the school, I say to her.  I swear she rolled her eyes.  “Walk?” she asks.  “But your car is right there!”  Did I mention that she's only 5??  Okay, so off we go.  We reload her back pack, lunch box, suitcase, cell phone, fax machine and get her buckled into her seat (by the way, we could have already walked around the building by this time) and off we go to re-park ½ block away.  FINALLY S, and all of her belongings, are safely dropped off at school.  It wasn’t THAT bad.  I have no idea what all these parents are complaining about.  Sheesh.


  1. Just you wait for princess Zoey! My kids were always angels for someone else and rotten for me! I so remember being that frantic mom late to work with who knows what fingerprints all over whatever I was wearing that day and baby puke in my hair or running down the back of me. And just to make it clear when we have those mornings it doesn't help to say "but your kids are so well behaved for me"

  2. Oh my gooooosh you are so freakin' funny. I love it.