Sunday, August 12, 2012

Kicking the old school

The “Old school moms” God love them… because it is still illegal to shoot them.  These are the moms who haven’t raised children since Jesus was a wee lad, but never the less know that what you are doing is just wrong and will eventually result in the decay of civilization as we know it.  You can usually spot them because they seem like harmless old ladies who just want to smile at your precious little baby.  DO NOT FALL FOR THIS.  RUN!!  Kick her walker out from under her, throw a can of formula at her, release the emergency brake on her wheelchair and give it a little shove, do whatever it takes to get away.  Trust me, you will thank me later.

But what about those “old school moms” you’re related to?  I have very little to say about them since I am fortunate enough to not have anyone in my family or circle of friends who feel the need to berate me with their antiquated advice.  So I asked a… friend, yeah a friend (You don’t know him.  He lives in Canada and we met at camp), to help me with this.

Here are some of the gems we…. I mean my FRIEND… has endured:

OSM:  You spend HOW much on formula?!!  You know in my day we used to just mix a little caro syrup and milk and THAT was formula.  My kids turned out JUST FINE (note: I hate any statement that ends with my kids turned out just fine).  ME:  Cool.  Now tell me that part about Uncle Julio needing to chow down on a roll of Tums before he drinks water again?

OSM:  You know in MY day we used to dab a little whiskey on the baby’s gums for teething, and my kids turned out JUST FINE.  ME: What a GREAT suggestion!!  I hear your son just got his 6 month AA chip!  Please express my congrats!

OSM:  You guys hold that baby too much.  You really should let her cry.  You’re going to spoil her.   ME: You may be right!  I was just reading in Parent magazine about how moms of older kids wished they had held and cuddled their babies LESS.  And don’t even get me started on those babies that robbed that liquor store! 

OSM:  You know that cat will steal your baby’s breath while she sleeps, and if you leave the dog alone with her he will eat her.  (It is important to note that we have neither a dog nor a cat.  I just refuse to clean the house, and since Tony so selfishly objected to being the scapegoat I needed to blame the dirt and smell on something.  So Fido and Fluffy are merely figments of our imagination and therefore I have no idea if this is actually true or not.)

Now, if you’re like me (and I assume you at least aspire to be) you might be tempted to pull out the files of data and empirical research you have painstakingly poured over to prove why you are right.  Trust me don’t waste your time.  The thing about the OSMs is that you will never be able to convince them that things have changed.  They are content to knit, while watching Murder She Wrote , and to tell anyone who will listen how you are messing up your child, and possibly society as well.  It just is what it is.

So as a Certified Expert Parent (CEP) here is my prayer for the day:

Dear God, Buddha, Allah, the Dali Lama, and/or Janet Jackson,
You willing Zoey will choose to bless us with a plethora of grandbabies some day.  At some point she will tell me how she just must have the Swedish, organic, hyper barometric chamber for her little one.  Please tear out my tongue should I berate her with how she slept in a plain old crib and turned out JUST FINE.  Instead give me the strength to smile, hug her, and then sell my…err… Tony’s plasma to make sure she has the best one available.
Amen, AHHMEN, or whatever

Disclaimer: Since my friend lives in Canada he doesn’t care if you sue him for slander.


  1. HAaaa! Oh I KNOW! I mean, my friend's mother in law is a PILL so I can sympathize with your friend!
    "With ____ I gave her every other bottle with just water because she really wanted to eat too much." The f? Wasn't that the water down (starvation)controversy that happened in fcking Africa with Nestle's formula? Guess it happened in NE Ohio too!!!

    1. LOL, Guuuuurl I sometimes just want to laugh in their faces... hey maybe that's what we should try?

  2. My brother always has said.....if you want to know how to raise your child ask someone who has none! LOL