Tick tock...tick tock UGH!

So here we are 8 day post insemination and I am going frickin nuts!  I know the reality of the situation is that it may not have worked.  In fact on average it takes 3 attempts.  But still.  I am ready to be a father. This is not just about having a cut little baby to cuddle and play with, but about this drive in me to participate in shaping the future.  I want to be a part of building society into whatever t is supposed to be.  This need in me to teach guide,worry about, nurture and love a new person as they grow into an adult.  Whatever adult they are meant to be.  Tony and Megan are sure that we’re pregnant.  I want to be sure, but I’m not.  Only time will tell, I just wish time didn’t take so much time!!!  Maybe I should be enjoying these last few days of NOT knowing.  I mean once the two lines show up this all changes into something new.  If I think this is rough, imagine what I am going to be like for the next nine months!  When I know for sure that our little baby is coming I have a feeling that is when the real waiting and worrying occurs.  I should be more patient.  I mean after all I have waited this long... but I have never been very good at waiting. It’s just that the last several years I have tried to figure out what I was going to do.  And for the first time I have never felt more sure abut anything in my life.  I am surrounded by love.  I have amazing friends, an unstoppable family, and a man that loves me fiercely for who I am, maybe even despite who I am.  This is the next big thing.  I really feel that I have been preparing for this role for a long time.  I feel.... ready.  Ready to step pass on the love that my mother showed me, to teach someone how to be a person of good character like my mother showed me. Now if mother nature would just fall in line!

And now a blog from Tony...

Relay Lock

0103 hours, Thursday, February 17, 2011.  3rd Watch.

At work there is a sound, but there is NO sound to it actually.   It is a feeling, a sudden and precise change in the air.

Normally you know it's coming before the lights above you suddenly snap on.

Miles away someone is typing at a keyboard, signals race to my vicinity, and suddenly a bank of old metal relays in an electrical panel fire off closing multiple connections.    They are side by side in a metal box on a wall.    As those connections close, multiple things happen.     Bells in distant rooms ring first, and they race toward you.   Monitors, blank and dark only moments before, awaken with full intensity, they issue forth location. Speakers waiting, holding their breath, suddenly and without warning burst forth with information. 

The lights come on in the night.    Not like dawn approaching as with sunrise.   Strong brilliant light.

I knew this instance was not the station coming to life as she will during the night.   At that moment above, it was larger than any moment I had known before.  It was a familiar sense in me.    Strong and unyielding.  But unlike any other time before, it was roaring silence, the light surging in my mind.    An unmistakeable message being issued inside me.

The Relay Lock that was your arrival into this world had just happened.   My eyes snapped open on a bed miles away. 
I knew at that moment you were here with your Daddy, Megan, and me.    There was nothing I could do to respond to you yet.   I swung my feet from the bed to the floor, in the darkness next to my boots.    Physically shaken, catching my breath, the calm rose, knowing you were safe.  

For now, no lights and sirens.

I sat there in the quiet upright, and wept with joy as only a new Papa can.

Here we go!!!!!

I have been HYPER aware of my… err…bathing suit area for the past few days as if any bump could affect our baby.  Tony and I were wrestling the other day and he pretended like he was going to slap my… bathing suit area.  I SHRIEKED “DON’T SLAP THE BABY!!”  Very occasionally I can be slightly dramatic.  So today was the big day…  BY FAR I have the better end of the deal than Megan does.  The process still felt very very weird.  The woman hands me a brown paper bag and says “Off ya go!”  The lab technician was very friendly… a little too friendly, sort of creeped me out a bit.  He showed me where I was to go and explained what I needed to do and left me alone.  “What no dinner?”  The room was awkward, and yet not as bad as some of the places…well never mind. 

Megan and Tony have just left for her appt.  My husband is so beyond amazing and wanted to be there to love and support Megan and be there for her while she does her thing.  Tony and I are both feeling a plethora of emotions and it is difficult to sort them out, or even describe them.  This is something that we both have wanted our whole lives and never thought was possible.  And at the same time I think that even though we want this and have worked so hard to get it the reality of the responsibility is overwhelming.  Which I think is a good thing.  I think that it is important that we respect and think about the times when the baby is screaming and we are tired as well as the times when he or she is being adorable. 

The next ten days are probably going to KILL ME!!!!

OMGEEEEEEE!

I am so excited I could just PUKE!  Megan’s ovulation predictor shows a positive LH surge today which means that we go in tomorrow for insemination!!!  All three of us are incredibly emotional and excited as we get ready to start this incredible journey together.  And how perfect that it is Valentine’s Day?  I cannot even imagine a more perfect day!  This child will be created in an environment surrounded by love, hope, and joy.  When the clinic called Megan to tell her what our appointment times were I almost passed out.  These could be THOSE moments, those memories that Tony and I will share when we have a screaming baby and we’re covered in puke, or poop, or both. 

I love you so much Tony and I cannot wait to have this baby with you, to increase our family.  I cannot wait to see this little person curled up in your arms as you watch him or her sleep.  To watch as this baby becomes an amazing adult because he or she will have the benefit of your strength, love, and guidance.  I hope he or she has your amazing capacity for love and compassion. 

And Megan, I love you.  I have never ever connected with someone that knows all the same stupid movie quotes or that I could laugh so hard with over the silliest things.  I am completely humbled by this gift and grateful that this baby will be part of you.  This kid will be AMAZING because of you!

I have fantasized and dreamed of this time my whole life, never thinking it could actually happen.  WOW…

Reflections...

UGH!  I know what the statistics are and I know that our chances of conceiving on the first attempt with IUI are slim, but I just have this feeling that we will get pregnant next wek.  Two and a half days to go.  In two and a half days our lives are going to completely and totally change.  I feel like a little kid waiting for Santa to come!!  This week I was super excited and completely unsure all at the same time.  Not unsure about having a baby, or raising a family with Tony, but about the responsibility of the entire journey.  I haven’t exactly lived the most selfless life.  My mom constantly went without the things she probably needed so that I could have things I wanted.  Am I capable of those same kinds of sacrifices?  Granted we are not in the same financial situation as my mother was when I was young, but if push comes to shove do I have it in me to put my child’s needs ahead of my own?  I really needed to take some time and really think about the answer to those questions.  The answer I came to was absolutely.  When this baby(ies) comes into our lives it will be all about him/her/them.  Even though it was a weird head space to be in I am glad I am able to take the time to question my motives and answer some hard questions. 

I have also been thinking a lot about Megan.  This gift she is giving us is so beyond huge.  She is one of my very best friends so I am fully aware of the extent of her love and generosity, but still what a huge undertaking to go through for someone else.  I mean not only is she helping two people to realize their dream of parenthood, but she is investing a lot into making sure it happens.  I find myself in awe of her.  I wonder if I measure up in regards to our friendship.  I could not imagine creating a life with anyone else (except Tony, but science hasn’t caught up to that yet).  I have watched other friends grow big with child, I have been a witness to the amazing external changes that a woman’s body makes as she grows a life inside of her, but this will be completely different knowing that the child that pushes against her belly will belong to Tony and I.  The flutters and movements I will feel through her belly will belong to a baby that his half me and half Megan.  Tony and I will be rejoice in, worry about, and be responsible for the emotional, physical, and spiritual growth of this perfect little being after they are born.  WOW!  That thought blows me away. 

So basically right now as the hours count down and we get closer to the big day I am just full of reflection and examination.  Am I ready for this?  Probably not, but I FEEL ready and I think that is enough.  The reality of parenthood I’m sure looks very different than we can picture.  But the fact that both of us are committed to making ourselves ready comforts me.  So here’s to a very good Valentine’s day indeed!

Tony

Can I gush for a minute?  So mornings are by far my least favorite time of the day, I absolutely cannot stand getting out of bed.  Tony makes it so much harder because as I press the snooze button, he pulls me back into his arms, hugs me tight, and whispers against the back of my neck “I love you so much”.  I KNOW right?!?  Normally I need a personal assistant to help me to get out the door with all of my crap.  I inevitably have to return to the house to get whatever item I left behind in my mad dash out the door.  When Tony is not working he fills the position as assistant beautifully, and this morning as I came crashing down the stairs and out the door, I realize I have left things behind, but oh no my wonderful husband has a cup of coffee and all of my stuff neatly ready for me and in the car.  I love this man.  I have been in love before, but never with any sense of permanence.  It was always “I love you (while silently adding for now)”.   But this man… he is just beyond incredible.  I am so excited to be having this baby with him.  My heart swells when I realize what an amazing Papa he is going to be for our little one.  I know that this baby will always have someone looking out for them, protecting them, and loving them with his whole heart.  As I drove away I allowed myself to fantasize about what it’s going to be like the first time our little girl comes home with a broken heart (Secretly of course I hope that our kid chooses to find fulfillment in their education, forgoing romantic entanglements until they have single handedly solved all of the worlds problems) and Tony takes her into his arms and tells her how much he loves her and comforts her broken heart.  He worries that he will not be good at comforting; he fears he won’t know what to say to make it all better.  I, on the other hand, have no fears about this.  I know he will be amazing at it because he restores my sanity and heals my heart every day. 

Super Bowl Sunday...yay

So yesterday was SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!  YAY….I hate football.  Tony loves football.  We received an invitation to a super bowl fiesta at our FABULOUS friends’ house.  Now I love these boys and anytime I get to hang with them I am down, however I was secretly hoping that Tony would have to work and I would not have to endure watching football.  Normally I never hope Tony has to work overtime, but yesterday I found myself praying he would be called in and I would be off the hook.  When the call never came in I went to my fall back plan and began praying for a fever, sore throat, ear ache, or even a hangnail!  Nothing.  God hates me.  So I decided to make the best of it and off to the Super bowl party we went….yay.  I have never in my whole life watched a Super Bowl.  The closest I have come was watching the infamous half time show where Her Royal Highness, the Queen of Everything, Janet Jackson had her unfortunate wardrobe issue.  And even then I was out of the room the SECOND that show was over.  So as we sat down to watch “the big game” I said to myself “Self, this won’t be so bad.  Your husband endures lots of the things you like.  This is what being a good partner is all about.  Besides, I hear the commercials are awesome”  So I put on my game face and even joined in a few hoots and howls… for the first quarter, set, match, or whatever it’s called.  As the boredom set in I looked around at all of the guys, with their glazed over eyes and intense looks on their faces, and thought “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?  WE ARE GAAAAY FOR PETE’S SAKE!  By definition we don’t have to do this!”  FINALLY I noticed that there was only 10 minutes left in the game and my mood dramatically improved… and then I learned that in football land 10 minutes translates to 500 hours!  AND WORSE the commercials were lame!  The only one I liked was the little kid in the Darth Vader costume who thought he started his dad’s car with the force.  As the game was FINALLY ending I started to plan my excuses for all future sporting events.  Then I realized… I’m going to be a father!  It is highly likely that our child will like sports and want to play sports!  WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOO?!?  LOL.

Ready...set...GOOO!

We are ready!  The surrogacy contract is complete and signed by everyone!  Here are pics of us signing with the notary!.  Look how cute and proud my husband looks!  He is going to be such an amazing father!

11 more days!!!

Well, that about covers it.

Grandma takes Tokyo!

So I am a little nervous, actually terrified beyond belief is more like it.  My mother, who is amazing, is going to be some sort of Godzilla/Grandmother cross breed when this baby comes.  I am pretty sure my mom gave up the idea that I would ever bless her with a grandchild that has my sparkling smile, amazing wit, and charming personality.  I remember the look on her face the day I told her I was gay, I could almost literally see her vision of being surrounded by genetically superior super babies shattered as I said the words I’m gay.  So fast forward 18…. I mean 8 years…yeah lets go with 8 years, anyways the day I told her that Tony and I were going to have a baby I swear her eyes glassed over and just a tiny bit of drool leaked out onto her chin.  I fully expected her to growl out “I want the baby” and in that moment the next Super Grandma was born.  I think my mother is more excited than we are that we are going to be taking this journey.  We love that.  We are so blessed to have amazing people surrounding us and getting ready to love this baby.  Tony jokes that we may have to build a higher fence around the house to keep out the Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, and friends once this baby gets here.   I can’t wait.  And as an added blessing we met with Megan’s mother this past weekend and she is excited and supportive and cannot wait to be Grammy to this baby.  My heart is beyond full. 

Dear Junior... or juniorette

 Dear Baby,

I was thinking about you last night.  Actually, not a day goes by that I don’t think about you.  Is that weird?  You haven’t even been conceived and I already wonder what you will be like.  Will you look like me?  Will you and I have the same sense of humor?  What will that moment be like the first time we see each other?  I have so many “what ifs” in my head about who you will be and even who I will become because of you.

What I know, without even the slightest doubt, is that I will love you fiercely.  The next part of my life will be about you and your needs.  My heart literally aches to hold you in my arms.  I cannot wait to stroke your fuzzy little head, to count and kiss your little toes, and to witness as WHOEVER you are unfolds.

Your papa and I love you so much already.  We talk about you, think about you, and even worry about you.  I can only imagine how that is going to grow and change when we finally have you in our arms.  I love your papa, more than I ever thought it was possible to love another person.  And now you are coming and I already feel my heart growing and getting ready for your arrival. 

See you soon my little one.  I am thinking of you.

Love,

Daddy.